March 02, 2004 -

Biscuit Crystal

The Academy Award of the Rings.

Welcome friends! The 76th Annual Oscars were this past Saturday, February 29, 2004. There are so many things we could reflect upon from this special show, such as the amazing nominees and even more spectacular winners. Instead, we'll be bashing the everloving hell out of the show. Enjoy!

We started the evening on the red carpet, with ABC host Chris Connelly inventing words as fast as he could bullshit them out in a believable manner. From describing the epicable movies, or wondering what really makes them so Oscar nominatable, we could only hope that the camera not move to Billy, who decided that Uma and Oprah sitting so close to one another was the joke of the century. Vaya con dios, Billy. We salute you.

Maria Monounos was a delight in the midst of such stupidity. In case you're not familiar with this stunning correspondent, allow me to refresh your memory.

This picture, taken from the official ABC website, is supposedly showing off Maria's 2.5 million dollar diamond-studded dress. In actuality, here we can see her muffins. Maria's Muffins, we Biscuits say hello. Peter Jackson and Elijah Wood complimented this dress, where Jackson further elaborated "We should tear it off and run." Owen Wilson, in trying to get in touch with Maria's heart, bent over and asked if those were real. We, uh... we think he meant the diamonds.

Billy Crystal was as great as he ever was, imposing his face upon every great movie moment this past year. Well, actually, 90% of the scenes he shot were from Lord of the Rings, but since 90% of the awards that night went to LotR, I'd say everything foreshadowed nicely.

Commenting on the first time he hosted, Crystal said: "Thirteen years ago, things were so different. Bush was President, the economy was tanking, and we just finished a war with Iraq."

When doing his telepathic act, the camera settled on Sean Connery, and the slurred impression blurted out: "....Pusshy Galowre?"

And after seven wins for Return of the King, Crystal informed us that "...People are moving to New Zealand just to be thanked."

Andrew and I were stunned at the musical performance for the Triplets of Bellville. The "act" consisted of... well, just check this out:

Don: "...That guy is playing a bicycle."

Andrew: "The...the fuck? He's playing a vacuum!"

Don: "You're fucking lying to me."

Andrew: "Do they really think they're going to win?"

Don: "They're French. They have a lot of backward concepts."

There were two gross upsets of the entire evening, one of which was a commercial for chip dip. Apparently, much to my surprise, there is a dip on the market called Heluva Good. The commercial features a young girl, probably about six or seven, exclaiming in front of the camera "I like Heluva Good dip!!!"

... Right.

The other overly confusing moment of the evening was the musical conductor. Shown at the start of the night, we saw a bushy black bearded, bald, white man.

... An hour later, he was black. I shit you not. Bald, bushy black beard. Not white. Black.

"Maybe those lights are really, really high wattage?"

We couldn't figure it out, but nobody else seemed to notice. The man disappeared faster than Janet's nipple.

Overall, the evening went exactly as expected. Lord of the Rings won everything, even the things they weren't nominated for, and Sean Penn deservedly won the Oscar for Best Actor. Charlize Theron took home an award for a movie she didn't get naked in, and Sir Ian McKellen showed up with a man as a date. It's like I said, nothing unusual.

We hope you enjoyed our review. But, in case you didn't...

Yay! You love us again! Join us later this week for reviews of James Bond: Everything or Nothing and Mission Impossible: Operation Surma, both for the PS2.

- Don