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February 23, 2005 -
John Constantine, asshole. It baffled me when Ria decided that he wanted to do comics again. It even frightened me a little, and were I not so entirely sure that I shall be at least partially responsible for the end of the world, I might have conjectured that horses were galloping in. While I can't relate to the appeal of the game, having never played it, I can certainly appreciate the notion in a world devoid of genius, intellectual draw. What it offers to me is pretty box art and humerous stories of warrior gnomes from the employees of Best Buy, complete with ass-smacking victory dances and witty gnomish one-liners such as "I can't wait to have me garden so I can put statues of people in it!" Yeah, my PC sucks. I review console titles. Just, you know, not today. I was able to make it out of my home for something other than work, school, or alcohol. While some of you might sneer at the talentless, flat face of the emotionless actor, Keanu Reeves does a phenominal job as John Constantine in the new movie. I'm not going to lie to you, if you don't like Mr. Neo, and you don't like the more mythological twists behind angelic-demon lore and comic genres, you're not going to like this movie. Quite frankly, I'm not even sure why you'd consider seeing if you can't stand the idea of a twisted Prophecy/Dogma/Matrix bastard child. Me, on the other hand, I enjoyed all three movies, and I like nothing more than to be tested by underdog Keanu action films about Heaven and Hell. You heard me. I like Keanu Reeves. Sometimes I want to hurt myself real bad, but I just can't help it. Even after the third Matrix film, I just can't hold him to blame. He's good at what he does. I won't rant and rave too much, because you know how I hate to ruin stories, but the movie is brilliant. It's actually kind of funny in many ways, and it's meant to be, as opposed to films that are just, god bless them, trying too damn hard. It's got action, humor, more action, and some damn fine visual effects. And as an addendum, completely straight as I happen to be, Gavin Rosdale was fucking beautiful in this movie. He plays Balthazar, a demon blended of cool and casual, complete with a pinstripe suit. I can't explain it to you, it's just something you have to see. I'd give the movie a 10/10. It had everything. Including Lucifer. WHICH WAS ALSO COMPLETELY FUCKING BRILLIANT. Amazingly good casting. I never read the comics, so I'm not sure how true to form the movie was, but for what it attempted to deliver, I wasn't disappointed for a single minute. But again, you have to like the concept, first. As a final note, since I mentioned Gavin, Bush is supposed to be back in the studio between now and March to begin recording their new album. Keep your ears open toward the fall for some new music, rock fans. Coming up next, Star Fox: Assault. Slippy's still gay, but the Arwings make even the most questionable frogs look like badass toads. - Don
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Master Biscuit
