March 21, 2005 -

Master Biscuit

Devil may kiss my ass.

I have so many games stacked up that I don't know what to do with myself. I've put Mercenaries on hold for a while, because I clearly need to stop playing it drunk. See, when you're in certain vehicles, you can't really see what's behind you, which is why you should check before reversing into a huge fucking tank.

Today I was primarily going to focus on Devil May Cry 3, however, that's not even necessary. The story is so far compelling, and the action is non-stop. The DMC series is always pleasurable because you don't get caught up on solving puzzles you could give two shits about. Even on the rare occasion that you do need to seek an object of some sort, you fight through so many cool scenes of absolute awesome destruction that you don't even mind.

The best part of the game is that its a prequel, so you could technically start with DMC3 and not have to worry about missing anything from the previous 2 games. Of course, the actual game customization is more advanced, so you would miss something going back to the first two without these options. For example, in the third installment, you now choose your style between Swordmaster, Gunmaster, and Trickmaster. Essentially, this only limits your special moves. You can at all times use your sword techniques and your guns, but when you want to pull off badass maneuvers, your current style will determine which special move is currently available. So if you're playing as Gunmaster and you are hacking away at something, pressing the special button and holding it will allow you to draw both your guns and criss-cross your arms in all sorts of fashions (in an almost Equilibrium style) to waste everything around you. It's pretty fucking amazing to watch.

The only drawback to the game is that it's fucking HARD. In fact, it's so hard that I somehow managed to unlock an easy mode. After dying twice to this uber demon boss (on stage, aheh, 2), a message appeared saying "Easy Mode Available." I SUCKED SO BAD THAT THE GAME TOOK PITY ON ME. That shit is funny. I've had friends insult me before, but to actually have the game make fun of me? Wow.

This game is a 10/10. It's so amazingly cool. But if you don't have component cables on your PS2, you might be missing some of the better graphical elements.

Along a similar pattern, the new game God of War comes out this week, which I was lucky enough to have a promotional demo for, being a Best Buy slave. At least there are some perks, 'eh? God of War is extremely similar to Devil May Cry in combat actions. It also seems to stay true to actual Greek mythology very closely. The style of your attacks expand and become more elaborately beautiful and powerful as you continue to execute unstoppable combinations. If I gave DMC3 a 10/10, this game is sure to be an 11. I've never played a demo that intrigued and interested me so much in all my days. This Kratos guy (the main character) makes Achilles look like a fucking pansy.

God of War hits stores this week. I'll have a more detailed insight after getting my hands on the full version. Also, look for an update later this week on Worms: Forts Under Siege and Dragonball Z: Sagas, both for the PS2.
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Movies.

We haven't done this in a while, mostly because I stopped going to see movies. Thankfully, JT hasn't. Let's welcome Movie Biscuit.

The Ring 2. That was shit on Toast. A friend won free tickets. If I had paid anything, I would have requested a refund. Terrible. I've seen softcore with a more coherent plot.

Well, in the movie's defense, you have seen a lot of softcore...

Granted. But [The Ring 2] lacked something softcore does...tits, and women licking each other's bellybuttons and guys grinding into the small of the back.

Won't they ever learn?

But back to The Ring 2...ugh. Every 'scare' was so obvious, I was quoting lines before they were said...ugh. The acting was wooden, and the plot was extremely weak. They tried to make the ghost bitch sympathetic, but it didn't work. Some day my peers will learn I can usually tell the level of suckitude of a movie from the trailer. I can look beyond the flash and whiz-bang of it to see the underlying bullshit.

You're like a Hollywood Monk. Bullshit beneath surface. Seek zen. Rent more often.

I'm also having mixed feelings about Hitchhiker's Guide. The trailers look great, but I really don't know how they can capture the true absurdness of Adams' writing style. They should've just made it one big spectacle. Have the movie last like four days straight with intermissions detailing the glories of digital watches and people in fish costumes doing interpretive dance... That'd be the only way to truly enjoy the silliness of it.
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Music.

The Exies have released their second CD called "Head for the Door," which includes the popular single "Ugly." I am incredibly refreshed to hear a rock band that provides something fresh. They have a really great sound that doesn't strike me as redundant, mocking, and/or mainstream. If you enjoy bands like Crossfade and Trapt, you'll probably find an inkling of sound that's really appealing to you. Check 'em out.

Also, TRUSTcompany is finally releasing their new CD tomorrow. A review to come later. If the rest of the CD is anything like their single "Stronger," it'll definitely be worth grabbing ASAP.

-Don