September 25, 2004 -

Master Fabler.

To tell a little tale...

Have you ever noticed how video games inherently become a part of your everyday life? I, for example, spend most of my hard-earned dollars on role-playing games, which all usually take a great amount of invested time, and hence, why it's been so fucking long since our previous update.

But that isn't my point. In RPGs, you obviously incorporate the life of the main character into your own. You tell him what to do, who to attack, how to do it. In Fable, you tell your character when to laugh, when you flirt, when to fu-... well, you get the idea. But I'm starting to think that video gaming is an epidemic, as some people, like myself, are incorporating these aforementioned instructional actions into voiced commands in our everyday existence. For instance, instead of actually sighing in real life, anymore, I just say the word 'sigh,' and my emotions have been expressed to my satisfaction, thus limiting the amount of essential breath needed to expel an otherwise complicated depression.

As Brian and I watch the Florida Gators play Kentucky at this very moment, we are confounded by the actions of the players, shouting 'Left Trigger!' in the hopes that they will, as commanded, juke to the side of a rushing tackle.

I'm glad I still have to motivation to entertain a social life, instead of just sitting there in the bedroom shouting 'fuck!' for hours.

As I mentioned somewhere before this most recent and obviously soon to be best-selling psychological rant, I have picked up Fable for the X-Box. Graphically, the game is beautiful. Everyone talks, and every person in the town reacts to your presence in various ways, depending on your prestige, your allegiance (good or evil, based upon how you play the game), and your clothes. Men and women alike will fall in love with your masculine torso is you choose to grin and bare it. You can purchase houses, you can buy gifts and wedding rings, get married, have sex, and none of this actually comes anywhere close to the point of the game.

Okay, long story short, you're a boy, your parents die from a bandit raid, and you are taken in by the Hero's Guild and trained as a warrior. Once you graduate (and you actually play through all your training as you grow up), you can essentially do whatever the hell you want, forever. Don't want to follow the story? Don't. Go massacre a village -- see if the game cares. It won't!

Every "bad deed" will get the attention of town guards, who will charge you a fine. Don't want to pay it? Kill their asses. More murders, more fines, until eventually the game realizes you somehow mastered its most-simplistic fighting arrangement and just kicks you out of the town.

Yeah, that's one of the downfalls (or an assurred way you can say you actually mastered a game). This Action/Adventure RPG is not turn based; you have complete control over your character at all times, and he will use his weaponry and magic as soon as you start button mashing. All two buttons, really. The combat techniques are so simplistic that even on the lowest of levels, you can be a badass. You look like Dante from Devil May Cry, and you're pretty much a level 3 pansy, but you're kicking some serious ass. Go you.

Even the most amusing part of this ordeal is the fact that you don't even need a good weapon. If your weapon SUCKS, it'll just take you 7 seconds longer to end a battle as you hack and slash your enemy to pieces.

Leveling-up is actually rather fun, further allowing customizations. You can choose to spend your experience on strength, skills (like speed and agility and such), or your mana magic techniques. It's all up to you. You can be super strong and only have enough magic to light a cigarette, or an uber-Gandalf, fearful of the mighty mosquito's nibble. Whatever you want, people.

Even your clothes. You can change into anything (even women's dresses, for some reason). Tattoos, haircuts ... hey, they thought of it all ... except a plot.

My friend Matt completed the story mode in 11 hours, with little sidequests. Apparantly, the game does not become more difficult. I've been playing for 5 hours and have already completed half the story, with several random sidequests. So, all in all, the damn thing is short. Beautiful, brilliant, but short. Maybe they'll hire some writers for Fable 2. Microsoft has it made when it comes to first-person shooters (Halo 2, we salute you), but when Square-Enix is incapable of making an RPG that requires less than 50 hours investment to complete with minor sidequesting, you have to stop and wonder if you should go buy Star Ocean: Till the End of Time instead.

Like Fable's decisionmaking engine, that choice is completely up to you. Fable gets an 8/10, losing for short, barely interesting story, but solid numbers in graphics and gameplay, and the ability for me to dress as a ninja-like assassin and slaughter villages at my very whim.

Oh, and I totally banged my wife on the first date. She was screaming loud. ... Watch the cutscene, you'll see what I mean.

- Don