2003-10-22 - 12:43 a.m.

Master Biscuit

Welcome to Console Biscuits. I'm Don, the Master Biscuit, hereby never to be called Master Biscuit ever again. This site is sort of a hobby. Ria is a graphic artist, as you can clearly see by the amazing site images he drew out for us. And me? I'm a writer. I... write. Ria came to me earlier this year, when he was starting to draw out some comics and asked me to be his comedic writer. It, uh... it didn't work out.

Ria considers this site the evolution of that idea, and here, quite often, we will feature his artistic talent, combined with my writing, and our respective rants. Before we continue, let's take a moment to admire his drawing of the two of us. Check it out. I'm like an angry Jedi...Obi Don. And Ria's all "woo diggidy?" and then I'm like "Whatever. Wom."

Wom... like, a lightsaber goes wom...

Anyway, we love video games, so this site is a natural outlet for our creativity, and also a chance to share our views on the latest marketing movements to promote whorish consumerism developed by the mass media in an attempt to create us into tools of the system, manipulated and stimulated by three overly-rendered pieces of artistic beauty on the back of a plastic box, apparently valued to us at $49.99.

Plus tax.

Between being the rental bitch at Blockbuster, trading games at the local stores, and otherwise wasting away my valuable college study time in front of the home theater, I am a slave to the plastic temples housing the discs of shiny goodness. The Playstation 2 is quite possibly the greatest invention in the history of mankind, say for when Al Gore invented the internet, or when God created pornography to compliment it. The X-Box, while being larger than the engine in my Saturn, is a truly powerful machine, and Halo is the best first-person shooter EVER. Don't question it, Planetside lovers. As a side note, I am also eagerly awaiting purchase of the PC version of Halo, to compare and contrast. Or, more to the point, recreate Red vs Blue episodes with other people in massive multiplayer environments. Go check their site out. Those are the most amusing online movies I've ever watched, and they have a DVD compilation coming out soon to highlight all 19 episodes in the first season. It'll be worth the price.

Back on the topic of consoles, there's the Gamecube.

Anyway.

... What? I'm not avoiding the Gamecube. I DID NOT BREAK DOWN! ... I did it for Rogue Squadron 3.

Well, now everyone knows my horrible secret. Having grown up with the original Nintendo, I have come home again to their childlike amusements. Although I am quite disappointed with the utter lack of Super Mario World remakes (racing around in a goddamn kart with a koopa paratroopa tailgating you does not count), I am happy with the Rogue Squadron franchise, and the upcoming Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles in the spring should prove to reaffirm me as Squaresoft's bitch. Their little anime-loving, spikey-haired bitch.

We'll see what happens with my Gamecube struggles, as I'm more deeply exploring their titles since it's still new to me. I've got plenty to say about the all-console release 'Freedom Fighters,' probably tomorrow, and I'll have my review of Rogue Squadron 3 up later this week, as well as SSX 3 (the, uh... the Gamecube version). Snowboarding. Scantily clad snow bitches. Music no one's ever heard of. It promises to be great. IGN said so.

There will be images on the left soon, because sooner or later, Ria will get tired of me bitching about them.

End rant.

Wom.

- Don