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August 13, 2004 -
The Greatest Update Ever. I actually prefer the title 'Whore Supervisor.' It looks better on the tax forms, anyway. Tonight, we are going to take an insightful look into Biscuit Entertainment's [that's us - editor] future title "The Other Guy Game!" For those of you not familiar with Topheavy Studios' upcoming "The Guy Game", you're either underage or have nowhere NEAR the amount of time I do to look for this shit. The premise of the game ... well, let's just read the website's official description: It's not often you're going to see me take a moral stand. In fact, I'm probably one of the last members of the human race who should be defending morality, but in this instance, I have to intercede. You're telling me that you've made an ENTIRE game devoted to posing mindless trivia questions, drinking games, and otherwise silly competitions JUST so the player can see some real life boobage? ... My god, that's brilliant. I mean, wait. No it's not. Shut up, penis. We here at Console Biscuits are absolutely outraged! So much so that we're going to make fun of it in the most creative way possible, by spoofing a sequel. In "The Other Guy Game," players must put their heads together to decipher incredibly complex scenarios. The answers to these questions will allow you to see some HOT bunny on bunny action. Oh yeah, you heard me. El Playboy Rabbito. Let's whip out the demo, shall we?  Can you figure out what Don was doing in this bed last night? Triangle Button) Humping X Button) Licking Circle Button) ... Both? (Circle) THAT'S RIGHT!   Our game will feature complex warnings designed to ruin successful relationships by addicting you to our featured bunny on bunny action. It may even scare you away from Miss Wrong by keeping you indoors. For example, if you try to exit your current game for any reason, multiple warning screens will make sure it's just for a bathroom break. Observe.  and  Q) Will your game feature online content, like X-Box Live or PS2 Online, or whatever the fuck they call their online system? A) ... Sure! Why the fuck not? Our online section will ask you to input the email addresses (more than likely conveniently stored on your university database) of all sorts of women you are attracted to. Upon signing onto the multiplayer section, we'll give you the hookup like never before by emailing every single one of them with the following:  Call me. xoxoxo -Dude Are you feeling it? This game is hot HOT HOT! It'll give you time to do your favorite pasttime activities without needing a highspeed internet connection and some shady items in your cookies folder! ... Don't look at us like that. We know what you like to do.  And just because we want you to buy this shit, we'll even allow you to download pornography right into the game! Here! Porn for no reason! Aww, we love you, too. Now, buy our shit. And my book. Bitch. ... Long story short, I've pre-ordered "The Guy Game," which ships on August 31. Yeah, fuck you. I know I was making fun of it, but I sort of got sidetracked by all the featured boobage on their website. I'm only human! ... And male. And in college. Damn Topheavy's marketing campaign. You can pre-order at EBGames or Gamestop for $39.99, PS2 and X-Box. But, just so you know, my game would be cheaper. Hey, like my book! ... Yeah, no one cares. Go look at boobage, you monkeys. - Don
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Master Pimp