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November 13, 2004 -
Yeah, keep makin' jokes. That'll win the war. In the future, Miami has been surrounded by barb wire fences to protect our most sacred military training grounds, and Puerto Rico is a ground zero recruiting station for the rock-hard Marine Corps of Earth. If you don't believe me, play Halo 2. Affectionately naming my companions Manuel, Sanchez, and Lopez, I have trampled many a Covenant cabron. After glancing at the total sales of Halo 2 and understanding that it has outsold most major blockbusters and Disney classics, I'm fully aware that a review of this game is not only pointless, but a waste of our collective times, as every person in America that is capable of wandering in the vicinity of an X-Box has almost assuredly seen, and quite possibly played the game already. However, the three or four of you out there who have chosen to neglect the insistent nagging of your crotches and feed yourselves and pay your bills, committing yourselves to an indefinite pause in your gaming lives...well, this one's for you. I think the greatest part about Halo 2 is the fact that it satisfies the American dream: killing things that aren't from here. Teaming up with 700 Hispanics, 4 whitebread rednecks, and a black guy, the game captures the realism that is the American military. I shit you not, level 2 of the fucking game is Falluja. They may not say it, they may have even been frightened to insinuate such a thing, but if you look around your LZ, you realize that you've seen this place before. Perhaps on CNN, perhaps on Black Hawk Down. You're in Iraq. A single craving then becomes apparent, as you pray to whichever god governs the digital world that a Covenant alien will leap from the alleyway donned in a giant white turban, proudly proclaiming "BEHOLD! For I now wear the Human headwrap!" In all honesty, I was hesitant to say nice things about Halo 2, at first. The glossy, sci-fi animation of the original Halo that I fell in love with has all but disappeared in the sequel, replaced by a rugged, far more realistic feel. Instead of a bright and shiny cartoon plasma rifle, you now hold a polished pipe armed with thirty men's lives safely tucked away in the heated, smoking chamber of your aggression. But then, the little things begin to make it all worthwhile. When your first grenade ignites, defeating not only a small cluster of your enemies, but also forcefully redirecting the barracade they hid behind, you smile. You start to fucking laugh. Everything is moveable. Everything is destructable. When Sheila (...big tank lady) fires a round into the parked wreckage of a schoolbus, the bitch explodes. Hubcaps and tires wheel away, engulfed in a fiery death. Ghosts and Banshees do not just explode, they blow apart, piece by piece. Your first shot takes off a wing, an armor panel. The next few shots tear away the cockpit, and the vehicle spins without control toward its doom, sending the pilot flying in a white/blue plasma-engulfed death. The enemy A.I. is a bit smarter, as they look for you before you arrive. Unlike the first game, where enemies would remain in place, discussing Covenant cuisine until you shot them in the face, the Covenant locate you from afar, and you begin to see the glowing engine exhaust of six Ghosts approaching you as the rest of the Elites scramble for cover, aiming their guns out at you. Even the Human Marines are smarter, lasting for at least a full six seconds longer than they ever did in the original. I swear to you, if they get shot, they recognize this as painful. Some of them duck, hide, shout in Spanish as un tanke grande lobs shells at your cluster. The most fun I've had thusfar, however, has been as a Covenant Elite, which is a part of the Campaign storyline. You apparently play back and forth as the Master Chief and the yellow Elite who was responsible for Halo's destruction. As this Elite, you wield the fucking plasma sword, and you are equipped with a five second cloak, which is all anyone needs to get in close to the enemy and carve them into tiny pieces. They shout, they scream, and they fear you, as well they should. You're like an Alien Obi Wan, because you KNOW that thing they call a plasma sword is really just a lightsaber with a smaller battery (AA, the fucks). I am enjoying the game, even though I didn't really enjoy the online multiplayer. I need to invest more time in the online aspect before making any hastily hateful comments, but I'd say Halo 2 was definitely worth the purchase for the story alone. It's a lot of fun. You'll find it strange for the first few minutes, but after that, everything comes back to you, like a war veteran hearing a champagne cork. Then you'll mash down the Y button, you'll dual-wield a submachine gun, and your teeth will grind. Bring it on. Next update in a few days. Game reviews and some music, too. Also, Metal Gear Solid 3 next week. Soviet Cold War nuclear politics. If they somehow worked in another ninja, I swear to god, I'll build a shrine to Konami. - Don
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Master Biscuit