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January 27, 2005 -
To all my bitches in this North Korean hizzouse. Lucasarts had a dream, once. That dream was to open your minds and imaginations to a time long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Well, that didn't work out so great, so they thought, fuckit, we'll put pissed off Americans with no concept of political turmoil in North Korea and give them the same versatility they'd expect from Grand Theft Auto. Ladies and Gentlemen, we bring you Mercenaries. Let's get this part out of the way: there are lots and lots of guns, and the marketing campaign on television (promising to let you blow the everloving shit out of everything) is completely accurate. This game is an exact replica of Grand Theft Auto in North Korea. Now, I've never been to North Korea, but to compliment the design team, I have to think it'd look a lot like this. Tanks, helicopters, hummers, this game has everything except hookers, which was a real drawback for me at first, but the fact that I could utterly decimate everything that irritated me in any way, shape, or form easily rectified this lacking. There are five major factions: the Russian Mafia, the South Koreans, the "Allies" (The UN), the Chinese, and the North Koreans. No way around it, the North Koreans don't like you. You kicked their dog and took their noodles, and they'll never forgive you for it. Everyone else can be bought and sold as easily as you can. The object of the game is to arrest or assassinate 52 North Koreans, creatively called the "Deck of 52," each suit representing a greater threat than the previous. To further this goal, you take on missions from the factions of your choice, and they give you Intel on the locations of the bad guys. Now, you almost never have to take these missions, as a helicopter trip over a terrain can just as easily reveal the locations of the big bads, but its reassuring (and financially beneficial) to pick your favorite team and fuck the others. This game puts your stealth and carnage to the test, too, with dozens upon DOZENS of options to complete each and every mission. Call an airstrike for $40,000. Nobody cares. You're paying for it. Call five of them, if you have the cash. Steal a hummer, strap a C4 to the hood, and bail out as you floor it into an enemy base. Yank back on that detonator and watch everything explode. This game is brilliant. It's like Hitman, but everyone's really pissed off and they have more tanks. Tanks hurt, as a sidenote. But oh, to steal them. 9/10, because I'm pretty sure I had an epileptic seizure at one point. I'm not sure if that added or subtracted points. Huge replay value, as a final note, because you choose one of the three main characters to play the entire game, and each character has their own unique skills. You won't be disappointed with this game if you like GTA and you like things that explode just to make you feel better. Next time, The Getaway: Black Monday. - Don
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Master Biscuit