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July 12, 2005 -
And then there were none. What the hell happened to the video game industry? Destroy All Humans? Are you fucking kidding me? This game desperately clings to the unwavering sense of destruction experienced by 11 year olds who thrive on the human sacrifice that is the Grand Theft Auto series. The game looks good at first, and it's even voiced by Invader Zim himself, but my god is it redundant. Zap that, telekinesis that, blow that up... I was so very, very bored so very, very quickly. Conker: Live and Reloaded. Now there's a game! Of course, it's the exact same game as its N64 predecessor, Conker's Bad Fur Day, but it gets the point across. Adult insanity and vulgarity expressed through cursing, lewd and lascivious acts, and of course, defecation. The graphics were improved for the Xbox release, and there is an included Xbox Live multiplayer addition, but that only provided comedic value. No real lasting competition factor. Juiced is new to consoles and PC, but if you've already delved into Midnight Club 3 or Movies. Batman Begins is amazing. That is all. News! Yeah, something new to toss in here. Top Heavy studios, creators of the illustrious Guy Game, are no longer capable of selling their product on the internet or in stores. That's right, one of the topless curvies sued the everloving shit out of Topheavy recently for finding her visage in the game without having signed a consent form. And oops, she happened to be 17 at the time. Party foul? Maybe not. They're playing it off rather well. Facing down their lawsuit, Topheavy is soon to be releasing a straight to DVD title The Guy Game: Game Over!, which features all the nudity of the game and more that was not included, and this time, you don't have to go through any mind-boggling trivia to get access to the goods. This whole mess is just...funny. NCAA 2006 hits today, July 12. There are some minor graphical improvements and some tweaks in the gameplay and career modes, but all in all, it's the same greatness that gamers experienced last year. You'll notice, as always, that the commentary has only gotten smoother and clearer. I've never been one for sports games, but this one is like catnip for a college town. I won't play it, but I'll have fun watching the rest of you. See you when something worth our mutual time hits stores. Funds permitting, I've been dying to look into Killer 7, where you play a homicidal maniac and are in control of all 7 of his multiple personalities at any given time while unraveling a Metal Gear-esque political theme. Sounds cool, no? - Don
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Master Biscuit