November 05, 2003 -

Master Biscuit

==NO SPOILERS, SO STFU==

Talk about the darkest fucking movie ever made. I mean damn. It was all... dark, and... lacking light.

Dark.

On a lighter note, this is the funniest thing I have ever read. It's a parody summary of the Matrix RELOADED, so don't worry there are no spoilers there, either. I highly recommend the archive page and further compliment Rod Hilton, author of these scripts, to be the funniest parody writer in the history of cinema. Allow me to grace you with a quote from the Matrix: Reloaded script:

INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR WHITE ROOM

KEANU enters a white room, the walls of which are covered

in monitors. A chair spins around to reveal THE EXPLAINER.

KEANU REEVES

Who are you?

THE EXPLAINER

I am The Explainer. I designed the

matrix screenplay. Unable to

decently explain the convoluted plot

well, I have resorted to putting

myself here in the final act and

having you ask all of the questions

the audience wants to ask.

(dramatic pause)

You must begin by asking your own

questions then gradually switch to

asking those of the audience, in

order to not make this scene any

more awkward than it already is.

Concordantly, while your first

question may be the most pertinent,

you may or may not realize it is

also the most irrelevant.

KEANU REEVES

Why am I here?

THE EXPLAINER

Many years ago, shortly before the

success of Speed, you sold your soul

to the devil in exchange for a

promise of notoriety that your

piss-poor acting skills do not

deserve. This series is the

actualization of this promise.

Whoever goes to see this movie, I hope you enjoy it. I refrain from commenting on Revolutions in any way, shape, or form in this colomn, as to not spoil it, or hype/sway anyone in any way. That being said, on to my Matrix Revolutions review...

... I'm just fucking with you. I'm going to play SSX 3.

- Don