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March 04, 2005 -
Help, Don! It's me, Slippy! I have been pushing this update back and back and back, because I'm trying to actually beat Star Fox: Assault in a hopeful attempt that some purpose will arise, some absolution that will grant me wisdom and make me feel better about paying $50 for this fucking thing. However, the reality of the situation is blatantly obvious: there is no point to this game. Is there a story? Sure. Aliens. Kill them. There you go. What? You want more? Okay, allow me to elaborate on a concept called growth and development. In the original Star Fox game, you flew a marvelous pixelated masterpiece known as the Arwing. This little bastard could've done loops around Darth Vader's Tie Fighter, destroyed the Rebels AND the Imperials, and returned little Johnny's missing lollipop all in a day's work. You, as Star Fox, were an insanely intelligent super-pilot genetically crafted from birth to defeat anything that could take shape and think. Your wingmen, however, were not as useful. Not 10 seconds into any given mission, this French asshole pleads for help because he's flying in a straight line and can't comprehend why there are enemies behind him. HE IS SO FUCKING USELESS! And you'd think that over time, Fox either would've murdered him as an example for future generations of pilots or the Frog would've just gotten better. But nooo. Not Slippy. Not Fox. Not Nintendo. As soon as mission one starts, the second you touch your controls, Slippy's screaming "OH NO! MR. BILL! OOOOH!" You'll understand why I want to beat him to death. ...As violent as all that was, allow me to continue. The graphics are nice, but they're not the best thing I've ever seen on the Cube. The sound mixing is something out of an Euro-techno nightmare, complete with a challenged ape shitting itself into a microphone. Now, the game has its fun points. Namely, every mission involving an Arwing is godly. You can tear apart anything, and nothing can stop you. You are the coolest pilot in the universe. And then, for some reason, you decide to get out of your Arwing. Let me be very blunt. The missions of Star Fox: Assault that do not involve you flying belong entirely in a different game that should have been scrapped halfway through development. They are every bit of useless, sucking away my fun like a visit to the doctor that does not involve anesthesia. I don't feel the need to continue. The two-player option in this game is horrible, and may have been salvaged if it included the option to have computer bots in the arenas with you. Otherwise, it's you versus your friend in a giant arena of stupid doom. In other words, unless you're a die-hard fan of the Star Fox series, just avoid this altogether. 5/10, because I only enjoyed half the game. Next time, something far more worthwhile: a sneak-peak at the upcoming God of War, out at the end of March on the PS2. After that, Devil May Cry 3 in review. - Don
Read my damn daily comic. That is all. - Ria
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Master Biscuit
Bisquick
