April 06, 2005 -

Master Biscuit

When everything else is ruined...

...Go ahead and ruin the classics, too. While I have enjoyed going totally old school with the Sonic Mega Collection, it's so old that my pixelated brain requires more nutrition. So I recall my youth, and I further recall the Sheep Cannon. Yes, Worms: Forts finally hit stores, and I was in absolute glee. Here I am, picturing this graphic revamp of my old favorite. I really want to put a refridgerator on a giant slingshot and hurl it hatefully into a crowd of worms. And why wouldn't people want to do this?

...Because the game sucks. It's so slow, so very, very slow. Speed being the primary drawback, the awkward 3D camera angles make things often frustrating. Sure, the weapons are funny. The voices are funny. The animation is, well, funny. But you'll find that playing the game is also funny...funny that you spent $20. I mean, you just have to laugh at that. Hardcore Worms fans will be disappointed, I think. The single player mode is beyond boring. In fact, the single ounce of entertainment in this game came from the multiplayer, and even in that, you still felt the speed/camera drawbacks so badly that it ceased to be fun.

So I figure, hey, Worms didn't cut it, but I bet Dragonball Z: Sagas will cheer me right up. Strike 2. I will grant Funimation a lot of credit for finally implimenting the one thing that was always missing from their games: actual cutscenes. Sagas is absolutely packed with actual episode footage to progress the story mode and introduce characters. This alone was worth struggling through the gameplay. Surrounded by four enemies, your punches and kicks focused on a single enemy, the others landing a single punch from time to time to throw you off. It's annoying. You're a fucking Super Saiyan. While the game appears to give you complete 3D movement, and you'd think in that case, control over mass crowd brawls, you can really only focus on any one given enemy at a time. In which case, I ask you...why even put the others on the screen? If Funimation is so concerned with one-on-one fighting, stick to the actual fighting games. Don't tease us with this bullshit. Even the graphics left something to be desired. While certain energy attacks looked and felt superb, after the screen fades to black and you cast your 19th kamehameha in the same level, you kind of just feel like walking away and seeing if Goku can take care of his damn self.

Only, ONLY buy these games if you think you somehow can't live without them; if your fanboy charm will be forever disgraced by the gaping hole left in the absence of Worms and DBZ. Otherwise, for the love of Zeus, go buy God of War and entertain yourself with something wholesome and good. I promised myself that I'd beat Devil May Cry 3 before I really dove into God of War, and given the difficulty level of DMC3, expect a God of War review sometime in late July.
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Music.

TRUSTcompany leaves nothing to be desired in their new album "True Parallels." Each and every song maintains their original harmony and style. There's really no need for me to review this any further. If you know about this band and you've wanted to hear more of their stuff, the new CD will not disappoint you.

Goldfinger released a new CD, entitled "Disconnection Notice." Hey, some bands change, but Goldfinger has no reason to alter their vision. Highlights include "Wasted" and "Too Many Nights." If you want a little punk music to perk your day, Goldfinger will be there to tell you how much they feel the same way you do.

And if you want someone to relate to your breakup hate, Reel Big Fish dropped their new CD yesterday: "We're Not Happy 'Til You're Not Happy." Sometimes they're up, but they're usually down. Still, Reel Big Fish somehow manage to make even depression sound upbeat. It lets you know that this probably won't beat you, but in case you feel like you're losing the fight, have yourself a beer. My personal favorites include "Drinking," "Don't Start a Band," and "Your Guts (I Hate 'Em)." It's a great CD.
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That's all for now. X-Box Live users, keep your eyes open for new Halo 2 multiplayer map downloads in April. The rest of the general public can look for downloadable maps in disc form sometime in June, to be included with X-Box Live Account packages. Oh yeah, Doom 3 finally came out on X-Box. With co-operative mode available over X-Box Live, the game certainly markets itself as one of the best first-person shooters in recent memory, yes, even considering Halo.

Oh, and for the love of the gods, go see the Star Wars Episode III: A Lost Hope parody trailer. It's quite possibly one of the funniest things you'll ever see, unless you've seen a monkey throw feces at the elderly.

Man, I'm going to Hell.

- Don