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November 18, 2004 -
And then there was one. I'd relay to you how overjoyed I was to watch Halo 2's ending last night, but my foot still hurts from kicking that chair across the room. After icing my wound, I finished burying Brian's body in the retention pond at the rear of the apartment complex. His death was...well, prolonged and agonizing. And in the spirit of the original Halo multiplayer that granted me much joy in the past two years, I teabagged him just before he lost his sight. It probably wasn't Brian's fault that Bungie sold a dozen virgin orphen souls to the golden monument of Bill Gates, but someone had to suffer. Besides, he shot me in the last level and took my shotgun ammo. That son of a bitch even touched my plasma sword. He TOUCHED it, the unclean bastard. Long story short, I'll be bracing myself for Halo 3 (you heard me), which will undoubtedly be released for one of the 3X-Box 2s. Yes, soul-selling consumers of Microsoft products, we've now got news of the next generation of consoles...all 3 next generation of consoles. PS3, Xbox 2, and the Nintendo Gametothefourthpower, you say? Hardly. Affectionately referred to as Xbox Next, Xbox Next HD, and the Xbox Next PC, Microsoft plans to jump ahead of the competitions' single console endeavors and release three fucking versions of their new system. The first, "Next," will be an Xbox 2, sans a hard drive. Basically, it will be a neutered version of the original Xbox, taking away all the good, wholesome things you've come to love and buying them new graphical pants to compensate for the fact that its digital willy has been chopped off. This game system is marketed for people who enjoy licking wet paint. The "Next HD"...well, this is basically the exact same thing, except with a hard drive. I guess this one is marketed for gamers who aren't completely brain dead and want to actually have the capability of saving their games without purchasing half a dozen memory cards. See also bored PS2 fans. Finally, the Next PC is...a fucking computer. It is an Xbox 2 with a hard drive, a windows operating system, wireless mouse and keyboard, a capable unit for playing Xbox games as well as computer software, a nuclear missile silo, and a coffee grinder/maker combination system. This system is clearly marketed toward me, because I need a new computer and I'm completely addicted to video games. Also, I have no life. If any of this has stirred you in a way that can only be replaced by human interaction, don't worry...I got more. Projected Xbox 2 release is late quarter 2005, a whole freaking year before the PS3. As a final note, I've been playing Kingdom Under Fire for the XBox lately, and it's really going well so far. I'm going to hold off on a full review until I've been able to more completely explore its features, but so far I can safely describe it as a "someone watched Lord of the Rings and loved giant battles and wanted to play right in the middle of them." Metal Gear Solid 3 is out for the PS2, and I'm picking it up tomorrow. Cold War rants and Solid Snaking tales to follow. Until then. - Don
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Master Biscuit