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September 28, 2005 -
XXX-Men. Come on, consider it...wouldn't it have made a better series with just two more X's? Before I begin, I'd like to highlight a commercial I just witnessed on the way to the computer. It involves Cheese Nips, who now make chips, as well. The catch line is simply: "Because when you love nips, it shows." I'll leave you all to ponder that. Alright. No spoilers, I promise. X-Men Legends 2: The Rise of Apocalypse. Anyone who beat the original X-Men Legends knew this was coming, as the ending movie showed the giant mechanized beast, Apocalypse, prophesizing his time, and how it was nigh, or something. I was honestly only half listening, because in all fairness, the writers of the game were only half writing. Well, this crack team of Marvel super-novelists have returned to bring us one inherent grammatical deficiency after another. First of all, the RISE of Apocalypse is very misleading. Apocalypse has already risen and apparently engaged in open warfare with the planet for a very, very long time when the game begins. There is an entire region of the planet filled with downed and destroyed airships from the armies of Apocalypse and Magneto in their great air war, which took place in the air. There was an EMP involved, Morpheus quoted ancient Chinese prophet, Neo posed. Everything fell out of the sky and went boom. The end. You don't actually get to see any of this, you just have to accept the fact that you're about to walk into said fiery graveyard of time's past and ask absolutely no questions, because fuck you, you're playing an X-Men game and you will like it, so sayeth Wolverine. Secondly, the ARMIES of Magneto? You finish the first game beating Magneto, but apparently the time gap of several thousand years between game one and two account for the re-rise of Magneto, as well (see "Rise of Apocalypse" for joke's reference -editor). By the way, as opposed to the writers of these games, I will clarify my speech. My remark of "several thousand years" was sarcastic. It really hasn't been that long since the first game ended. It has been long enough for Apocalypse to lay waste to the world, but no longer. Anyway. I find this game to be a complete re-hash of the first game. They kept the same in-game interface, cell-shaded overly cartoon graphics, and the sound? They somehow made the voiceovers worse. Seriously. You have to sit there and listen to Iceman and Grizzly make icecube and furball jokes so many times that you wish you could extend your over metallic claws and plunge them deep into your retinas. And while they changed the way the leveling-up screen looks, it's still identical. I honestly lost interest in playing this. There's no variation. You get a couple new superpowers every few hours, none of which compare to the initial superpower you spent all your time and energy leveling and will forever be more powerful than all the new powers you get toward the end of the game. I got so far into this game without knowing why I was playing it (due to a story I was fed and told to accept or my mother would be slapped) that I finally decided to just...stop playing it. You think you're gonna get closure, but the wide open gap between the games only leaves more questions. They try to fill them in with the horrid, ear-humping dialog, but seriously, I'd rather watch the airbattle than step over its grave. Don't let the opening movie fool you. While cinematically it's absolutely gorgeous, the rest of the game will never live up to its prestige. 5/10, just because it's X-Men. That's polite. 6/10 would be more polite, so sayeth Wolverine, but even the cool voice of Steve Blum (voice acting talent behind Cowboy Bebop, Samurai Champloo, and Big O) eventually gets bored hearing itself destroyed on piss-poor "Wolverine is a badass" one-liners. Play it if you want, but I'd seriously consider buying Marvel Nemesis instead. Review to follow next time. - Don
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Master Biscuit